25/12

I wish I was on a desert island.
I wish I was sitting at the sunshine on a white sand beach.
I wish I could hear no sound or voice but the calm and soothing ripple of the ocean.
I wish a light breeze could tickle my soul.
I wish I could smile without faking happiness or joy.

11.11.2010 - Arriving

Stepping quickly out of the airport, waiting for the bus and looking at the sky. Keeping on smiling.

Getting on the bus and starting a hiccuped journey to London. Spending one hour in a massive traffic jam chatting with an Italian mother who came to visit her daughter. “She been living in London for 8 eight years now.. She likes it, she is happy here”
(you have no idea madam, how much I share your daughter’s feelings..)
Once in London, the bus first stooped at Liverpool Tube station. Then it drove through the City, past the river banks and a red London Eye. Past the Parliament, the Big Ben, the Westminster Abbey. I spotted St.Paul’s Cathedral behind nineteenth century buildings. Weak beams of light came from the pub windows.
("Nothing will ever be as beautiful as London by night..")

That night London was to me the most romantic place on earth. I was being given the most colourful, calm, fulfilling embrace of all.
What a welcome back – I thought.

One final bus drive and then I will be in a city that I know far too well. No hidden corners there for me.
I have so longed for this moment.. I can’t stop smiling..

11.11.2010 - Leaving

(An overwhelming light-hearted feeling as soon as I enter the airport).
A reflection of myself on a window shows a young woman with a smile on her face. A liberating smile.
I did not realise it until I did not notice it on that mirrored image.
I feel happy. I am happy. It has been so long..
The plane takes off and in few minutes I am up in the sky. I have just left on the ground all my worries, my misery, my wrecked summer months, my dissatisfaction.
Their place is soon filled by a constant and slow flow of confidence, strength, determination.
I feel positive, just, active. It is me. I am back.
It feels so good..

10.11.2010

I feel excited, restless, uneasy, almost anxious.
Once more, once again, I am leaving. It will be tomorrow. I can’t wait.
I am not going anywhere far: it will only be a two-hour flight. I will leave from and I will land in familiar airports. The place I am heading.. that’s familiar too. It is my second home, it is where my heart lies, where -I know, I will be fine at last.

dreaming: mirroring life

I was travelling on a train, my lugguage was next to me. I wasn't carrying much: a bag and a suitcase. I was reading a book, I had quite lot of time before getting off at the arrival station. The carriage was cozy and almost empty. I was sitting next to the window, I like feeling the sunshine on my face.
I was looking outside and relaxing at the view of the countryside, when I suddenly recognised two friends of mine, sitting close to the railways. To my surprise the train stopped and I decided to go and greet them. So i got off the train. We did not not chat long, we did not go beyond the usual "how are you" and " long time, isnt it" when the train departed. As soon as I realised what was happening, I shouted at the driver and started to run to catch the train. It was a pointless effort, no one could hear me. When I turned to my friends to ask them for help, they were not there, they seemed to have disappeared.
There was only a railway worker left. Both his appearance and -as I dicovered later on, his personality were filthy.
I struggled to reach the next station: it was far, I was on foot, I had no money. Everything I had was on that train. I was hoping to get to the station before the train would have departed again.
Bad luck was on my side though. When I arrived at the station, the train had already left.
I was desperate, i just wanted to get on that train again, I was determined to do so and felt so hopeless though.
At the station no one was willing to help. They were looking at me as if I deserved it, as if nothing
worth mentioning happened. They were looking at me as you would look at a downside up beetle.

My alarm clock went on and I woke up feeling anger and anxiety.
I have to catch that train. Sooner or later I must to.

PS: I shouldnt have come back (again)

Wise words

"When you touch the bottom, the only way left is upwards!"

Thanks Kia x

Four months later

Restlessness and uneasiness haven’t abandoned me completely, but I can hold them down.
Do I feel better? Kind of.
I know where the solution lies: I MUST take a decision.
So I followed an advice I’ve read few days ago on a magazine: “you should examine all the elements, information and facts that are available to you and take out meticulously whatever is superfluous or pointless. It will not suffice to you to be able to select. You will need to be relaxed and very patient.”

So I tried to relax and started selecting .
The feeling was that most of what I had was pure, useless rubbish. A shapeless and cumbersome mass of thoughts and words which had no use at all.
I couldn’t move, think, see, reason.

Have I taken a decision? I am not sure yet. Sometime I believe so, other times I still stagger confused.